Senin, 28 Mei 2012

ROWAN PELLING'S SEX ADVICE: My lover says he can¿t be faithful

ROWAN PELLING'S SEX ADVICE: My lover says he can¿t be faithful

By Rowan Pelling

PUBLISHED: 15:38 EST, 27 May 2012 | UPDATED: 15:39 EST, 27 May 2012

One reader is concerned her lover still can't promise fidelity

One reader is concerned her lover still can't promise fidelity

Fifteen years ago, I fell madly in love with a charismatic artist. He said at the time that he could never swear to be faithful, but I was so smitten I didn’t listen.

A year later I discovered that he’d been seeing another woman, so I left him. Nobody else in the intervening years has come close to filling that void and two months ago we reconnected and ended up in bed.

He says he wants me to move in with him, but also that he still can’t promise fidelity, as he doesn’t believe in it. I feel â€" at the age of 49 â€" that maybe I should live with the hurt in order to be with the man I love but my f riends say I’m mad. What should I do?

I suppose an honest adulterer is better than the lying variety, but neither make easy bed-mates. I think such people are best suited to partners who will behave with equal recklessness, so no one person shoulders all the pain. It’s clear you don’t want leeway to sleep with other people, so there will always be an imbalance.

Every time he’s away from home for a long time, you will fret about who he’s seeing, while he will not have to live with that anxiety. However, it is also true that there are people who would rather experience an overwhelming passion â€" whatever the painful consequences â€" than choose a steadier and less ardent path. A surprising number of women value living with a fascinating man over living with a faithful one.

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It’s interesting to note you feel far more able now â€" at the age of 49 â€" to tolerate the artist’s wandering eye than when you were in your 30s. Evidence seems to suggest that people’s romantic priorities change as they age. A recent survey for Saga Zone showed that only 36 per cent of respondents aged 55 and over felt that sexual infidelity was totally immoral, compared with 42 per cent in a younger age group.

Older people seem to feel more pragmatic about straying. They know that ‘nobody’s perfect’. The real questions here concern respect and resilience. Will your self-esteem drop through the floor if your lover has other girlfriends? If so, you will be living the life of a whipped dog, cringing in humiliation and despair. Surely no amount of passion is worth that suffering?

If, on the other hand, you can find sufficient self-worth in your day-to-day achievements, your friends and your relationship, then his trysts with other wome n may, with an effort of will, prove tolerable â€" but only if you do truly ‘share’ great love with your man.

This painter is clearly the man of your dreams, but do you know for sure that you are the woman of his? Yes, he has asked you to move in with him, but that might just be because then he’d have sex on tap and a free rein to hook up with anyone else who takes his fancy.

The bottom line is that this relationship â€" in its proffered form â€" can only work if your boyfriend feels that you are as alluring and worth prizing as you believe him to be. You need to know that he has sufficient powers of commitment to remain in a long-term relationship because he values your spiritual, intellectual and emotional connection over your sexual one.

If this is not the case, you could easily be replaced by someone else he suddenly believes to be more compelling company. What could be more humiliating than to behave like a doormat and then fi nd yourself discarded?

Here's what other readers have said. Why not add your thoughts, or debate this issue live on our message boards.

The comments below have not been moderated.

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I have a friend who experienced a very similar thing - he did not believe in having one partner but always told her he loved her very much. They were together for about 8 years - he saw other women throughout their relationship. The thing is one day he met a woman and he fell in love - real love and promptly dumped my friend and all his other girlfriends. He told her that he now realised that the reason he didn't believe in one true love was simply that he hadn't met his yet. He said he now knew what real love was like he could be faithful to her - and more than that, he wanted to be faithful to her. My friend wasted years on this man because she believed he was a "free spirit" and that he did love her in his own way, now she is left alone and he is planning his wedding and a family. I read something once which i think is apt in this circumstance - 'Real men stay faithful. They dont have time to look for other women because they are too busy looking fo r new ways to love their own'.

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He told you want he wants. Just say no. Yet you understand that this kind of guy won't lack female company. He's charismatic, free-thinking and an artist. So somehow you want to have this wild male in your bed but domesticated. But it's not possible. He's refusing. You should forget about him and move on. Stay out of his arms and you should eventually recover. Good luck.

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I know someone who is "an artist". He's always living with someone and quickly moves on to another when the going gets tough. He never has any money and usually lives off the women and also admits that even when he's with someone, he's still on the lookout for something better. He's basically a user but very pleasant with it. He's exactly what he says on the tin.

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Honey, at 49 years of age, your biological clock ticked its last tock. With you, your boyfriend wants the free milk, but he does not want to buy the cow. Move-on and find someone who will not break your heart.

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Why did he bother saying out, he should of just kept his roaming activities to himself, what they dont know wont hurt them

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He sounds like a pack of trouble; one of those who think a degree of talent in some artistic field makes them somehow superior to everyone they encounter. Having spent some of my younger years with such a low opinion of myself that I believed the crumbs from other womens' tables were all I deserved, I'd say kick this person into touch unless you can face perennially coming second (or third, or fifteenth) in his priorities.

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Bin him off, you're too easy, you are 'in love' with someone that will never love you back. Monogomy is easy if you find the right person. I can tell you for a fact that you don't love him as well, love is a mutual feeling/respect/many other feelings and actions that are mutual. You can't love someone that does'nt love you back, thats not how it works

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He's not that into you. If he was, he wouldn't feel the need to safeguard possible future liaisons that aren't even in the picture yet. Don't pet him on the back for being upfront either. People who tell a person upfront they will sleep around during their relationship do so mostly for the reason that the other person has no room for complaint later in the relationship. It's so they can later say: but I told you so, so you're the one that isn't being fair by complaining now. Why would you settle for a man who doesn't put you first? I'd rather have no man than wonder in what disease ridden bed he is tonight. To be honest: yuk.

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That is not much dfferent from an open relationship...the difficulty is to have both parts agreeing on the terms and what a relationship (open) means to them, setting the rules... if is no rules are set therefore no relationship is the result of it.

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"Make him fell that you too have a little bit of you that is only yours and that you cannot be owned 100!"______________In a relationship with a man like this, this is good advice. When he says he won't do (and doesn't believe in) fidelity, he's rejecting the traditional relationship bueprint that works for most of us. Which is ok, different strokes and all that, but he needs to understand that comes at a price for him as well as you. If he's not prepared to deliver his side of the conventional bargain (exclusive sexual commitment), then he can't expect to reap the other kind of commitments that go with the package. By all means let him know you have intense feelings for him, enjoy the pasionate love affair on offer, but hold onto your independence, don't become his domestic prop, don't let him see himself as your sole emotional focus and nourishment. If he wants that total package, then he has to drop his insistence on withholding what for you is an i ntegral part of that.

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