- How 19th century Mary 'Minnie' Sidgwick became Mary 'Ben' Benson
- The six 'unpermissibly gifted' children she had with Edward Benson
By Martha De Lacey
|
If a 22-year-old student informed the parents of his 11-year-old female cousin (albeit a distant one) that he had taken a shine to the preteen and planned to marry her, he would be met, in 2012, with a raised eyebrow - at the very least.
And in 1852, when ambitious Cambridge undergraduate Edward Benson visited his relations in Bristol and did precisely that, little Mary 'Minnie' Sidgwick's mother was just as startled.
'As good as God, as clever as the Devil': The extraordinary Victorian life (and the secret female lovers) of the Archbishop of Canterbury's wife
But Edward was persistent, and Mrs Sidgwick, a widowed mother caring for three young children - one of whom, Mary, was beset with an unquenchable desire to please people - was powerless to resist.
And so, just one year later, Edward sat 12-year-old Minnie on his knee and proposed. And because she knew it was the only thing he wanted to hear, she accepted. They married when she was 18.
'I realise that he chose me deliberately, as a child who was very fond of him and whom he mig ht educate - he even wanted to preserve himself from errant fallings-in-love,' Mary wrote in her diaries adulthood.
'God, thou gavest me a nature which desired to please - and on its natural gaiety and pleasure-lovingness had been planted by my Mother a strong sense of duty.'
From that day 'Mary's duty to her mother had been supplanted by duty to her husband', writes South African historian Rodney Bolt in his historical tome, The Impossible Life Of Mary Benson: The Extraordinary Story of a Victorian Wife, originally titled As Good As God, As Clever As The Devil. 'And Mary did her best to fulfil that duty.'
Indeed, not only did Mary bear her difficult, obstinate, argumentative, depressive and often cruel intellectual spouse with six preternaturally gifted children - two of whom died in childhood, four of whom became published authors - but she also supported him through the meteoric rise of his career, a career which culminated in him being made Archbishop of Canterbury.
And this is all particularly impressive when you learn that Mary was simultaneously juggling a hefty secret complication of her own: she was a lesbian.
Family life: The Bensons at Wellington College, of which Mary's husband Edward was Master
Aged just 29, Edward became master of the Berkshire public school Wellington College, and he and his young family moved into a cottage on campus.
All of the Benson children were intellectually brilliant - among them were poet Arthur Benson, who wrote the words to Land of Hope and Glory, and E. F. Benson, whose Mapp and Lucia books still enjoy a cult following today.
Their gifts were nurtured by parents who published a family magazine - with each family member making a mandatory contribution of at least four pages per edition - and would only allow bread to be passed down the dinner table if it was requested in rhyming couplets.
While her husband taught, Mary raised their six children and, dissatisfied with her role as a housewife, found solace in a long succession of infatuations and loving liaisons with women.
'Swarmings’, she called them in her detailed diaries. Some of them were unrequited, some 'a complete fusing', all of them were difficult for her, as a strict Christian and as a wife, to accept.
Eventually she solved this dilemma by regarding her same-sex encounters as gifts from God.
Coastal retreat: The Benson family at Lis Escop, Cornwall, in 1883
Mary's romantic trysts included an intense bond with Charlotte ‘Chat’ Basset, a vivacious middle-aged woman who had married into a wealthy Cornish copper-mining family; Tan Mylne, the wife of a theological student she met when Edward became Chancellor of Lincoln Cathedral in 1873; and Emily, number 39, about whom she penned the line in her journal: ‘O that sweet time with Emily. How we drew together. Lord, it was Thou, teaching me how to love.’
Edward, meanwhile, was appointed Bishop of Truro in 1876, Archbishop of Canterbury in 1882.
In London, living in Lambeth Palace, Mary became the darling of a dazzling new social circle which included literary figures such as Alfred Lord Tennyson, Robert Browning and Henry James.
Prime Minister William Gladstone even named her 'the cleverest woman in Europe'.
Happy at last: Mary Benson aged 73, four years before her death
Mary also embarked on a four-year relationship with a young composer named Ethel Smyth who gave Mary her much-loved nickname 'Ben' but also complicated matters by forming a relationship with Mary's youngest daughter, Nellie.
'I feel that this time is emphatically Nellie’s and I do long for her to have it good,’ Mary wrote to Ethel, bowing out. ‘I think she is very happy now.’
In 1896 Edward Benson died of heart failure while praying, and Mary left Lambeth Palace, choosing to set up home near Haywards Heath, Sussex, with her girlfriend of six years, Lucy Tait.
They lived there with Mary’s daughter Maggie and Maggie's own l esbian lover, Nettie Gourlay.
When she reached her late 70s and had become an increasingly deaf, frail figure who described a walk around the garden with her as ‘a totter with a tortoise’, Mary she died peacefully in her sleep with Lucy Tait in bed beside her.
Mourners at her funeral described Lucy only as ‘a family friend’.
The Impossible Life Of Mary Benson: The Extraordinary Story Of a Victorian Wife by Rodney Bolt is on sale now in paperback (Atlantic Books, £8.99)
Â
-
Marijuana deals, the pain of Happy Meals and how to get a... -
Shocking moment a ruined millionaire collapsed and DIED in... -
Katie's $15million and a $35m mansion: What Holmes stands to... -
Pedestrian thrown in jail for 12 hours for holding up sign... -
Matt Lauer's wife 'to follow him to London to keep tabs on... -
Horrific video shows Mexican drug cartel decapitating five... -
'My son has loved chimps since he was a child': Mother... -
Woman, 24, 'seduced boy, 15, in tanning room as his mom... -
Out with the old: Savannah Guthrie takes over Ann Curry's... -
Yorkshireman, 39, has 15 Miley Cyrus tattoos inked across... -
Police tapes reveal how Donald Trump 'regretted dumping... -
Camilla's sister enjoys a £170,000 royal pay day to...
Share this article:
Here's what other readers have said. Why not debate this issue live on our message boards.
The comments below have not been moderated.
- Newest
- Oldest
- Best rated
- Worst rated
Lizzie - have you read the stats about the number of dead babies found in the Thames? The Foundling Hospitals? The abandoned babies that caused Barnado to open his homes? Get back to me when you have done the research and tell me about how Victorian men were there for their kids.
Report abuse
"What is surprising, given the attitude of the average Victorian male towards secks, is that more women were not in all-girl relationships. "- Polly.Glot, Auckland NZ, 29/6/2012 23:29 ...................... What do you know about "the attitude of the average Victorian man", for goodness sake? How many Victorian men have you been with? I'll tell you one thing - a damn sight more of them stuck around and paid for the upbringing and nurture of their children than happens today. I'd take a Victorian man and his attitude to s-x over that of a 21st century take-all-you-can-get but-avoid-having-anything-whatsoever-to-do-with-the-consequences-and-move-on-to-the-next-woman-sharpish ANY day of the week!
Report abuse
Proposals of marriage to young relatives were common, and a hard-up widow would be very glad to know, in the age before the welfare state, that her daughter's future was assured. For further evidence, see Jane Austen's novels - this was exactly why Mr Collins proposed to Lizzie Bennett. It was a means of taking care of a young family member who would otherwise have been penniless. Also, how do we know "she was a l.....n" exactly? Or that she had a "difficult, obstinate, argumentative, depressive and often cruel intellectual spouse"? Where's the hard evidence? It's very unwise indeed to judge 19th century people by 21st century standards. My suspicion is that this story has been very much se xed-up for selling to the 21st century palate - I mean, who would pay good money for a book on the wife of a long-dead Archbishop of Canterbury otherwise?
Report abuse
"Vile. She probably molested her own daughter, if truth be told. "- MJT , Somewhere in the USA. , 30/6/2012 0:06 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sorry? Where's your evidence for THAT allegation?
Report abuse
What is surprising, given the attitude of the average Victorian male towards secks, is that more women were not in all-girl relationships.
Report abuse
Sleeping with the mother to get to the daughter, bit of a predator if you ask me! Had this been a story about makes, howls of disgust would be heard
Report abuse
Men do well if they choose very clever women as wives.
Report abuse
What a dissolute, twisted and shabby bunch.
Report abuse
jeremy kyle eat your heart out
Report abuse
The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline.
We are no longer accepting comments on this article.
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar